What I want to tell you is every secret I know about myself. I want to tell you the things that I dream about but don’t remember in the morning. There are faces of people who I only know in my sleep but who feel like family, like home, like I have loved them for one thousand years. Are the people we know in dreams always going to be forgotten by us?
What I want to tell you is how much I never used to like that color before I found it in the color of your eyes. I like the color of lakes in storms and stone sunder water and I like you best.
What I want to tell you is every single story that I know and have known and forgotten and will ever one day know. The stories I hear and the ones that have been told to me only once but which now consume my mind. They are the ones I think about at the most random of times. The ones that make me laugh out loud while walking down a sidewalk or burst into tears while standing under the shower water and it makes me think about the way that warm water on the face can trick me into thinking that I can still feel tears. The stories which I was told as a child and which still haunt me. The ones that make me nod to trees and whisper in graveyards and sometimes ask birds to tell me how many steps I need to take to get in this direction from the moon and that direction from the sun.
What I want to tell you is that I have twelve scars across my body and I only know where three of them came from. I want to say how much it bothers me to not remember what has scarred me. It’s like finding that you’ve lost someone but cannot even remember what their face looked like or what their favorite color was or what that song was that they used to hum under their breath and it was the sound you wanted to always be hearing more than anything else.
What I want to tell you is that I don’t want you to only remember me when you’re deep in sleep, I don’t want you not to know the color of my eyes, I don’t want you to forget every story I’ve tried to tell you, I don’t want you to see the scars and think that they too will fade away until there is only perfection and smoothness.
What I need to tell you is that I love you. Please don’t forget this.